mid flight rant

I am on a 5 hour flight with no headphones because I have the time management skills of a squirrel and packed last minute (like always) and now I only have my dead AirPods with no case and the plane’s Wi-Fi isn’t working so I can’t work. And because my life now is essentially planes, trailers, and automobiles, and I have lost the small bit of patience I had… I am going to rant through the medium of this blog about my grievances in regards to people being so oblivious of their unhinged traveling behaviors and blatant disregard on the effect of their actions. There are some unsaid and some clearly stated travel rules that should just be common sense.

This is not directed at first time flyers, beginners still getting the hang of the process, or those who are terrified or anxious around planes. I am very lucky to have family all over and the means to visit them via plane since I was little. So if you are new to this whole flying in a metal contraption and everything that comes with that… I am a plane nerd and here to support. Just maybe read this and save yourself and the rest of us from the classic and sometimes costly travel annoyances. You also never know what someone is going through or the full story so everyone should be treated with kindness. Flying takes it out of you mentally and physically resulting in everyone not being their best selves. And so this is why I’m frantically typing away instead of saying this out loud to anyone currently on this red eye flight. Also don’t be an a**hole to the gate agents and flight crew without them, there would be no flights. And if they do have to deliver bad news about delays or cancellations… they are simply the messengers and probably don’t want to be saying it as much as you don’t want to hear it.

We shall start from the moment you arrive to the lovely airport that is most likely undergoing some sort of construction no matter what city you are departing from. The drop off is where I will be the most understanding. The thing that always get me tearing up without fail is saying goodbye to my people. So take your time, feel free to run back to the car for one more hug.

Once you enter those doors it is go time! Your head needs to be on a swivel until you make it to your gate. This is the time to be fully alert. Don’t be that person trying to text and walk, I don’t care how good you are at multitasking you will enviably be slow and in the way. If you are a person who gets there 2 hours ahead of boarding time and have no fear of missing your flight… good for you. You might be able to take your time but there will be people like me who apparently live for the adrenaline and will be arriving at a very calculated time… last minute as possible with little to no room for errors. You can truly only control yourself in these situations and I should know not to cut it close because I can do all the things but if someone in front of you thinks their FULL CONTAINER of yogurt in their bag is a solid not a liquid and are going down swinging to prove this to the TSA agent you will be delayed. Which honestly regardless of its physical state of matter no one needs to carry that much yogurt yet alone on a unrefrigerated endeavor. But hey I get it you need the probiotics and protein. But this shall we call it dairy delay then trickles down to other people’s bags not being scanned in a timely manner and so forth. And things happen, last month for example I never unpacked from a work trip cause I was home for less than 48 hours. And to pack and repacking the same wardrobe just seemed like a major waste of time and energy. But I drove the last trip and I forgot about my two pocket knives and box cutters I had in my backpack #eventlife. And that is how you almost get your TSA pre check revoked friends.

Be prepared for security. You know they will ask for your ID and boarding pass so have it out. Once you get through you should be aware if you aren’t TSA pre check (btw totally worth the $80 for 5 year pass) your shoes might need to come off, laptop out of bag… pack accordingly, don’t be the person rearranging your luggage on the security belt. Once your belongings and yourself are cleared to go, grab your bag ASAP rocky and go find a spot not holding up the line to resituate your belongings.

OKAY the hard part and room for idiotic moves is now over. OR SO YOU WOULD THINK. Again some people (me) might be on a mission to make a flight so don’t be that family that blocks the whole pathway or worse the moving walkway. I’m really so stoked you are going to Disney World, (I am assuming based off their matching “Family Fun- Disney Summer 2022” shirts) and I’m not asking you to end this beautiful family bonding moment of walking to the gate but all I ask is you traverse in a stacked formation so people can get by.

When they start the boarding process… why does everyone stand up and congregate like of bunch of penguins. Airport KAREN I know we are both in the last boarding group, trust me you standing there and blocking people and hovering like a seagull while groups 1-7 (essentially the entire plane) board will not effect your overhead space availability, which in my opinion is the only reason why boarding early is a perk (unless you are flying southwest). I would much rather be chillaxing by the gate than rush on a plane to just sit there but be more crammed. My goal is to be in that packed sardine fest for as little time as possible.

Anyways YAY at this point you are on the plane. Get situated but again you are on a metal contraption, it’s not gonna be that comfy no matter how many pillows and blankets you have. If you recline your seat, although that might be more comfy for you, it will be miserable for the person behind you… up to you and how selfish you want to be. If you are trying to change seats to stay together with your significant other, cute. But don’t expect 4 people to move like a game of Tetris so you two can canoodle 35,000 feet in the air. If it’s an easy swapparoo and the person is willing, happy day! And if you are going to ask someone to switch, it should be for a seat equal or greater value.

While in flight you know maybe don’t watch a horror film without headphones on full blast. Some peeps are trying to sleep and it’s not the most soothing noise to doze off to. Just think would this be annoying to others and then don’t do that said thing. If you are middle seat it’s an unsaid understanding you get both arm rests. I’m not confrontational but I will get into some elbow fights over this one.

And FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, don’t be a landing clapper. And no need to rush out of your seats and try to sprint to the front unless you have a close connection to catch. Just a bunch of eager beavers.

The same rule applies for baggage claim and pick up… no need to hover near the carousel or the curb before your person or object is in sight. If we all just took 5 steps back at baggage claim, everyone could see the luggage and no one gets accidentally hit in the face or crotch. Now get in that vehicle and escape this alternate universe where people think they have an excuse to be unhinged because they are traveling.

Maybe I’ll take this all into account before my next flight and add on some more wiggle room in case of another yogurt incident or pack the day prior to make sure I have working headphones to drown out the horror film… but I probably won’t. I low key thrive in this stress I fully own up to putting myself through. Can’t wait to get to my destination and see what clothes I threw in my suitcase haphazardly for this month long trip.

It was a truly not a pleasure flying with you,

E